Choosing Integrity (Even When It’s The Difficult Path)

Integrity. This is my new word. It’s the latest commitment I’ve made to myself about who I am and how I want to be in all of the areas of my life. I even wrote about it on the floor of Debi Grilo’s popup yoga studio as we were breaking in the new Practice Yoga Naples space: “I practice… integrity, play, gratitude.”

What does integrity mean to me? It means being and acting in alignment with my values. Always doing my best. Speaking out and standing up to support others (and myself) even when its uncomfortable, scary, or I don’t know how to do it perfectly. Living authentically. Sharing my truth powerfully without a need to people please, gain acceptance, or be loved.

I was out of integrity recently, and it felt horrible. I had an experience with my husband Mike earlier this year where I held back details about a decision I made. I didn’t tell him the full story. I acted against my values of truthfulness and partnership. Sure, my mind made up plenty of reasons to justify my actions, so much so that I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but as days passed, I realized I was out of integrity.

Being out of integrity was tearing me apart.

The deceit was eating away at me. I was on edge and easily irritated. I wasn’t sleeping well and was in my head a lot analyzing the situation. I was consciously eating food that made me feel crappy, like I was trying to punish myself for what I had done. There were times I even treated Mike poorly, almost like I was trying to push him away because I wanted to soften the blow if he ever learned of my dishonesty.

I was scared to address it with Mike. I didn’t know how he would respond and I didn’t want to hurt him or our relationship. So instead I continued to seek out reasons to justify not telling him, which, of course, I was able to find. (We can always find signs to affirm the things we tell ourselves in our heads, positive or negative, but that’s another blog post!)

The more I used my tools of awareness, inquiry, and mindfulness, the more I found the root of my discomfort leading back to my deceit, leading right to my withholding all the details – the truth – from him. I knew I had to tell him. And I knew I couldn’t wait for the “perfect time” to tell him, as a perfect time to do something doesn’t exist; it’s just an excuse we use to keep from doing something challenging or scary.

I told Mike, and we are working through it, and we will be ok.

We are either growing or dying.

I share my experience with you because I’ve seen situations like this break people, marriages, and families apart. What starts like in my case as a small withholding of information, can snowball into resentfulness in a marriage. Or we develop health issues or disease as we hold something inside of us that doesn’t need to be there. The conversations that go unspoken can divide parents and children, fizzle friendships, even disrupt careers.

This situation reminded me that we never fully “arrive” or “reach enlightenment” or “have it all together.” We must always continue to do the hard work. We must have the tough conversations, speak up even if no one else is, and be very clear on what our values are in order to live and breathe them every single day.

Lou Holtz said, “Nothing on this earth is standing still. It’s either growing or it’s dying.”

Growth can be hard, but it’s beautiful too. Integrity can be hard. But it’s beautiful too, and I would argue that over the long run, there is more ease in integrity, than there is difficulty. I choose integrity.

Your turn. Journal on the following:

• Where in your life are you out of integrity or being inauthentic?
• What conversations do you need to have? Give yourself a very soon deadline!
• What have you been putting off until the “timing is perfect?” Consider this doesn’t exist!

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