How To Support Those Who Have Been Through Hardship

In the wake of Hurricane Ian, many leaders came to me and asked, “How can I support my colleagues who lost everything?”

Maybe your colleague didn’t go through a natural disaster, but has experienced other hardships like the ending of a relationship or job, the diagnosis of a disease, financial difficulty, or the loss of a loved one.

As an emotionally intelligent leader, you know that whatever’s happening in someone’s personal life also affects their professional life – no matter how skilled they are at hiding it or compartmentalizing. Here are six ways, then, to support those you lead (at work or home) through hardship.

1. Let them grieve on their own terms.

We all move through the stages of grief differently when we experience a loss (whether that’s the loss of a loved one, our job, or our “normal.”) The grief stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (often outlined through the acronym DABDA) and are not linear, meaning we could be at a point of acceptance one day, then feel deep anger at the universe the next. Keep in mind that acceptance doesn’t mean we are happy about what happened; it simply means we no longer fight against the reality of the situation and instead choose to continue forward with life even as we feel our loss.

Avoid any “shoulds” when it comes to their grieving; i.e.:

❌ “You should come with us this weekend.” or

❌ “You should stay positive right now.” or “

 You shouldn’t think of having sex or doing anything fun at a time like this.”

Allow each person to grieve their loss in their own unique way.

2. When they are ready to share: Listen, really listen.

Grief must be witnessed in order to heal. But don’t force the griever to share; they must do so on their own terms. You might say:

✔️ “How are you?” and really pause for them to be honest with you. Or,

✔️ “Do you want to talk about it?” Or even,

 “I’m here for you when you’re ready to share.”

Then zip your lips and give them the gift of your undivided attention. Listen generously, with no need to do anything else but listen. When the other person is done speaking, simply say, “How can I support you?” Often you will find that your listening was all that they needed.

3. Practice empathy (connection) instead of sympathy (fixing).

Empathy requires us to be vulnerable and connect with others from our own feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or whatever feeling is present. Many of us find this too uncomfortable, so, instead of holding space for the other person’s feelings, we rush to try to fix the situation and make the other person feel better.

But when someone is going through hardship, they want to be seen, heard, and understood. They want to know they are not alone. After generous listening and connecting with the feelings behind the words the other is saying, it’s better to respond with:

✔️ “I don’t even know what to say right now, but I’m so glad you told me.”

…instead of trying to fix the situation and force positivity.

Remember: Grief is to be witnessed, not solved.

4. Offer specific ways to help.

When we experience hardship, sometimes we are so overwhelmed, we don’t even know what we need. So instead of saying, “How can I help?” or “Please let me know what you need,” take the burden of having to ask for support off the other person and offer specific ways you could help.

This might sound like:

 “I’m heading out to grab lunch right now. Want me to pick up a salad for you too?” Or,

 “Want to drop the kids off at my house tomorrow night so you can have some time to yourself?”

Put yourself in their shoes and consider what would really be helpful right now.

5. Don’t ignore or avoid the subject in fear it will upset them.

Sometimes we don’t mention a tragedy or memory of a loved one who has passed because we are afraid of making the other person sad. Or, we were never taught how to respond to someone’s grief so we say nothing. However, it’s very likely the experience or person is on their mind. So make a genuine comment like:

✔️ “I’m thinking about you,” or even,

✔️ “I’m so sorry.”

If the person wants to talk, allow them to do so. If at that moment they don’t, they’ll likely say thank you and change the subject. By leaving the ball in their court, you offer them the support they need. And by sharing the memory of a loved one who has passed, you allow the spirit to live on and be honored.

6. Ensure they are aware of resources, including their own resilience.

Inform or remind them of any resources your organization or community offers to get support with the hardship. When you spot resilience in them, like making choices to prioritize self-care, seeking or accepting help, feeling their feelings, or identifying meaning within the challenge, highlight and celebrate that resilience within them. Remind them of past challenges they’ve thrived through, and continue cheering them on.

Don’t feel bad for not having known what to do or having said “the wrong thing” in the past. Use these tips moving forward knowing you are supporting them in the best possible way.

Love,
💜 Your Coach,
Sara