How Your Need To Get It Perfect Or Be The “Good Girl” Is Blocking Connection

When my first son was a toddler, I was stressed out nearly every time I was in public with him. Whether at Target or a friend’s house or in our front yard, I felt like his every move, word choice, and behavior was being judged and a reflection of me and my parenting skills (or lack thereof).

If he threw a tantrum or cried or wasn’t grateful about a gift he had been given or told me “no,” I was embarrassed and ashamed. I grew up always trying to be a “good girl.” Being a “good girl” meant my parents would be happy with me since I didn’t cause them any burden, and this equated to love and belonging in my little-girl mind that was trying to make sense of the world. I carried this need for perfection into every area of my life, including my parenting.

Can you relate to this drive for perfection, to being the “good one?” Where in your life does this show up for you?

I’m going to be writing about “Communication For Connection” over the next few blog posts. Before we get into connection strategies, we first need to remove our Good-Girl Masks.

“How does this relate to communication?” you may be wondering.

Well, because being what we think others want us to be is one of the biggest blocks to connection. When we are concerned about looking good, we keep our masks on. We hide behind a false perception of perfection (and even spend all our time and energy trying to create this perception even though it never makes us happy). Being “perfect” leads to surface-level relationships with very little meaning.

When we are trying to look good – however those around us would define “good” – we block our authenticity and hold back from sharing our true self. This causes us to minimize the impact we make at work and to miss out on fun – which we could all use more of!

Needing to be perfect first keeps us on the tarmac when life is ready to fly on by. Instead of doing the thing that is important to us, we wait to take action, try to “get ready” or control all the details first or find the perfect timing or do it without making any mistakes.

One of my teachers, Baron Baptiste, says, “We must be willing to show up and suck before we can show up and shine.”

Yoga is a great example of this. I’ve had so many students tell me that they’re working on a pose at home and when they finally perfect it, they’ll show me in class. This drives me cray-cray, as my 5-year-old son says!!!

Can you imagine if my students would just try the pose every time I called it in class? They may surprise themselves and nail it on the first try. They may fall smack on their face. They may be somewhere in between, but I guarantee the pose will come to them the more they practice. If they wait to get it perfect in the safety of their private bedroom while only attempting it once or twice a month, it will be years before I see them rock it on their yoga mat.

No one has ever, ever been great at something the first time they try it. We all have to start somewhere. There is no such thing as overnight success. While it may seem that way to us, the truth is we only see the most recent work, not the decade(s) that led up to the “overnight success.” Tom Brady couldn’t always throw a winning pass. Jimi Hendrix didn’t just pick up a guitar and start strumming notes that hit us all the way in our bones. Stephen King didn’t just start tapping away on his typewriter to draft a bestseller. Julia Child didn’t just walk into the kitchen one day and whip up a delectable quiche Lorraine.

All these creators started small. They started rocky. They started unsure. They started with doubters and haters and laughers. But they did the most important thing: they started.

When you sit in your need to be perfect it holds you back from starting. It keeps you playing small and stuck with what you have right now in your life. So much more, more than you can even imagine right now, is waiting for you. But you have to start without trying to be the “good girl.”

The new communication skills I’m going to teach you over the next few weeks might be messy at first. You might feel awkward as you try them on. It will definitely be easier in the short term to stay with your old way of communicating that you are comfortable with, but you’ll lose out on healing and strengthening relationships that will enrich your life beyond what you can imagine right now.

Burn your “Good Girl” mask, and I’ll meet you here next week!

Lots of love, your coach,

Sara

P.S. Will you 🙏 please 🙏 take 10 seconds to vote for my business, Joy Discovered, to become a finalist in the Small Business, Big Dreams Women In Business Challenge. Right now, I’m a runner-up. If I get the most votes, I get to go Shark-Tank style in front of a judging panel later this month to win a $10,000 grant to publish my book next year. Please help by voting HERE by EOD Oct. 13th! THANK YOU!!!! 🥰