Kristi Hittepole Profile: A Bold Battler Surrounded By And Raising Strong Women

Kristi Hittepole is a 40-year-old financial consultant and single mom of two busy girls, age 14 and 11. She’s a breast cancer survivor who has undergone over 20 surgeries since 2011. She’s my cousin-in-law and latest inspiration.

She candidly shares how her divorce was the impetus to shift her life from being selfish to being focused on something more important. She describes a horrible journey through breast cancer with a realization of the strength of her own daughters and the power of transparency. She explains how if you can accomplish a goal like breastfeeding, then you can run a full marathon. She admires her mom, sister, and aunts… and you will admire her.

[Quoted words are Kristi’s, edited slightly for context.]

Tell me about yourself.

“I consider myself a single mom of two girls. They are my entire focus. They are the reason I take every step every day. They are what define me. That’s a change. That hasn’t always been who I am. I have evolved over the years. I was a young person who was a free spirit. I always did what I wanted to and didn’t have a whole lot holding me back. Then I changed as I went through my divorce and medical stuff. It’s evolved to a life completely surrounding my kids.”

Talk to me about your divorce and how you made it through.

“When I made the decision to get divorced, I felt like it was both the end and the start of something new. Making that decision to divorce was not something that just happened. There was the legal side and just trying to find my way through. For me it was a day-by-day endeavor.

Going through the divorce is what realigned my focus. I saw the girls and knew all the bad stuff and ugliness that comes along with divorce. Even though it was tough I appeared to handle it well for the girls. With the stress, I had to have one focus to push me through and to look to when things got tough, and that became the girls. I was reading the girls a book one night, and I realized my cell phone was sitting next to me. I glanced at it wanting to check a message and realized in that moment that I wasn’t present. Here I have two little girls and mentally I was not there. It was an opportunity to refocus and see them.”

This Is The Path That I Want To Take

How did things change?

“I became less selfish. I was going through a phase that was so life changing. I was evolving as a person and in a marriage with a person not evolving the same way. When I made that decision that my marriage was over, I became less selfish. Prior to that I was so unhappy and so lost in not knowing who I wanted to be. I was running all the time (which I love and still do). I was doing things for me because I was freaking out – I had no concept of who I was or where I was. I wasn’t happy. I was doing all these very selfish things to try to fill that void. Once I identified the issues over a long period of time, I very quickly became less selfish. I started doing what I could to reconnect with my kids and be the best mom I could be. In that defining moment I shifted away from being selfish.

It’s hard to admit, but I was selfish. I went out a lot and did a lot of things I would not have done if I was happy in my marriage. But then I realized it and I stopped. Then I was able to become the mother and person I wanted to be. It was a refocus to say this is the path I want to take.”

How did you start to reconnect with your girls?

“The girls and I moved into this tiny little apartment as we were sorting through the details of the divorce. I started to feel this enormous responsibility. I realized the burden is on me to raise my kids to become who they were meant to become, and that they couldn’t do it without me. It took being just the three of us living together for me to truly see it, that the responsibility now lies with me.

I have a new-found respect for my mom knowing what she went through. Being a single mom and the decisions you have to make. She was strong, I never knew. I feel like I show my frustrations and failures and sadness to my kids way more than my mother every showed me. She had to have had times that were so scary to figure out how to put food on the table, but I never knew that. Sometimes I am more transparent and I don’t have as much patience as her. She woke up every day happy and in a good mood. I never remember tiptoeing around my mom or worrying about what her mood would be like when she walks in the door. I know my kids anticipate my mood in order to know what to expect. I admire that she pulled that off even if that happy face she wore was not always real.

All of her sisters are role models for me too. I could tell you something that every single one of them has taught me over the years. They are all special in their own cool ways.”

Being a single mom with a full-time career and health issues, how do you manage it all?

“My life is chaos. How I manage is I accept that this is what it is. It just is chaos.

I am really fortunate that the girls have different interests. I manage it by strategically planning opposite seasons. Anna does shows in the fall and winter, which is downtime for Abbey’s softball season. There are things that go year-round, but in terms of the intense season, they each get half a year. I never want to miss a word in Anna’s shows or miss a swing of Abbey’s bat.

Every day I wake up and say, “OK, what’s today?” If I look at it the night before I might not sleep! I know some parents have a calendar on the wall, but that’s just not how I am.”

The C Word

Talk to me about your health issues.

“Back in 2011 was my first go around with breast cancer. I had a lump – it felt like I had mastitis. Because of the strange feeling I quickly went to the doctor the next day. I had a lumpectomy then. It was mostly inflammatory tissue, but there were some very early stages of cancer cells. It hadn’t developed to cancer so I was on a chemo preventative medicine route.

In September of 2013 the lump on the right side came back suddenly with similar features, but a lot bigger. At this point I had a biopsy that led several doctors to recommend mastectomy due to ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS).

I talked to the girls about the many treatment options. We decided my course of action as a family. What we thought would be a 6 to 8-week recovery seemed to make more sense than constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop.”

How did the girls respond?

“Abbey being older, was mad. They wanted it out of my body. I remember being in the bathtub not long after. Anna was seven years old at the time and she asked if she was going to get it. She understood that it runs in families so that could make her at risk. I didn’t have an answer for her right away. But a friend advised me that it’s a very easy answer: My sister, my mom, my grandma and aunts don’t have it. It appears that what has happened to me is isolated. I still have to answer that question from time to time.

It’s hard. There isn’t an over button. There isn’t a “we passed this ticket” that you get. It doesn’t go away; it’s always there. Very recently Anna drew a picture with a letter on it that read:

Not always green on the other side.

When I almost lost my mom, my life changed.

I could not think straight.

I was sad.

18+ surgeries in a year hurt me.

My sister was depressed at the time.

I thought my life was over.

I want you to know “God has a plan!”

It’s true!

It’s going to be OK

Live every moment in no regrets

And happiness”

Thank God For The Other Strong Women In Our Lives

How did you make it through so many surgeries and being so sick?

“My sister. We moved in with her. There were 7 humans and 2 dogs living in her home while I was sick. She was my spouse. She took care of me and my kids and my dog while she was doing the same for her own family. She was there when we were making the decision on whether I should get a mastectomy or not. I remember asking what we should do.

She said, “Do it and we have 8 weeks of sitting in a chair recovering, or a lifetime with the risk of dying.”

When she helped me make that decision she did so knowing that she would be taking on quite an endeavor. She had to put injections in my stomach every day, help me in and out of the shower, help with everything.

My recovery was supposed to be 6 to 8 weeks long. Life was supposed to go on and I was planning to move out. I went back to work, then two weeks later the shit hit the fan and I got the infection. It went from me recovering from a surgery to being systemically septic. Sick. I was really sick. I was in and out of the hospital, sometimes in the hospital for six days at a time. I don’t even know where my kids slept. My mom and my sister ran my life for me as I lay there with a pick line in my chest trying not to die. My sister just got up every day and did it – she put the girls’ backpacks together, packed lunches, took care of me, and my kids, and my dog.

She is how I made it through. My sister was my everything and she was to my kids too.”

How do you stay strong for your girls when you are scared?

“I had another surgery a couple weeks ago. I was on the phone with a friend who was trying to help me get organized with all that was going on. Something she said pushed a button in my head and I became overcome with emotion. I yelled at her saying, “I am 40 years old, I will figure it out. I have no idea how I will feel.” (Afterwards I felt terrible for yelling at her, as my friend was just trying to do her part as the village of people I need, but it was one of those moments where I needed to be isolated.)

I looked at the girls knowing what was coming and said, “I am going to cry now.” I started to bawl hysterically. There was no strength there. At that moment they were the strong ones. It’s impossible for me to be the strong one all the time. As many times as I’ve been strong, they have been stronger. That night they talked me down.

We ran into this very early on when I got sick. The problem is when I was the strong one and said everything is going to be ok, they’d go to school and their Grandpa Jim would pick them. The minute they saw him they knew I was back in the hospital and not ok. My way of trying to let them know I was strong wasn’t working. There is strength in transparency I guess. Now we talk about it as openly as we can.

I am really not that strong. I cry all the time now. It’s not that easy – I just go through it. All I can hope every day is that I don’t hurt my kids any more than I already have. Transparency at this point is kind of everything.”

[[I had to jump in at this point of the interview and tell Kristi that I did not agree with her. That I think she IS a strong woman, incredibly strong. I asked her to consider that her being with her emotions and allowing them to move through her is strength. It’s a strength that many human beings aren’t able to tap into. Instead of feeling emotions and expressing them, so many of us cover them with alcohol, sex, shopping, false smiles, social media affirmation, etc. and hold them in instead of expressing ourselves. I admire her strength.]]

Bravery To Accomplish What’s Important

Where do you get your inspiration?

“Every woman’s journey is her own. I can’t offer advice to someone who has gone through divorce or breast cancer. Their life is different than mine.

I draw on my kids’ strength more now than anybody else. I look at Abby who has a mother with breast cancer and 25 surgeries, a mom who is trying to do it all, who had anxiety before any of this because that is how she is built. Then I see her go out on the field when I had drains in my side and do something I could never do. I know that she is scared sometimes on the field and faces challenges. Like when there are tons of kids trying out for two spots on the team and she gets offered a spot. That’s bravery in complicated situations if I ever saw it.

Or when I see Anna walk into the theatre, where its sometimes political, everyone knows each other. She goes on stage for a cold read, not knowing what she’ll be asked to read. She stands up their scared to death and sings and gets asked to take the part. They are the strongest people I know.”

What are you most proud of in your life?

“Running a marathon. It’s odd that the only thing that made me know I could do it is the fact that I breastfed Anna for two years. I never thought I could do that but I did because of Abbey’s allergies. After I breastfed Anna for two years and accomplished that goal I knew I could run a marathon (even though at the time I was overweight and had not taken good care of myself).

Another thing I am proud of is I set a goal when I got divorced. I made a commitment to myself that my children would never have to move schools again. It was not easy for me and there have been times financially that living where we live was difficult. But with my cancer and surgeries, we are often hanging on by a thread. I wanted to keep them in Westerville in the community where they belong. Consistency for kids is so important and everything else in their life has been so jacked up. With my health and our family there were so many changes and things that can really mess kids up, so I wanted them to have that consistency of community. It gave them a feeling of safety when there was nothing else I could give them to make them feel safe.

When I walked out of Anna’s elementary school in May (where she started in kindergarten, now heading into middle school) I thought, “Oh my God, I did it!” I don’t know how I did it. It wasn’t always easy, but I did it.”

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Kristi’s girls are such a beautiful and integral part to her story and demonstration of strength that I had to talk to them too for this profile. Their strength and wisdom at such a young age blows me away.

Here’s my conversation with Anna, age 11:

What have you learned from your mom?

“That you always have to believe in faith and fate. That everything will work out even if you have to battle for the outcome.”

Why are you most proud of your mom?

“I am proud of her for fighting and being a single parent. When she has stuff going on that she needs to worry about, instead she worries about us. I think she is amazing on how she manages us and herself.”

Do you consider yourself strong?

“Yes, but sometimes during the journey I was not. I got overwhelmed. I thought that something was not going to work out during the bumps in the road.”

What does joy mean to you?

“Joy looks like family, when we are all together. When we are all having fun as the three of us. It sounds cheesy, but joy is the laughter between all three of us.”

What else do you want us to know about your mom?

“She is absolutely insane! She is amazing how she manages softball and my theatre and she never gets a break. She should, but she doesn’t allow herself to get a break. She needs to take a chill pill.”

How do you get up on stage when you are scared?

“I focus on the outcome, on how I get to bigger and better things. I just read my lines and imagine that it’s me and the character talking. I don’t look at the audience. I only pay attention to the people on the set.”

Why do you like theater?

“I feel like I can go through my expressions through singing and acting, and be in different stories, even though I have an amazing story with my mom. Different stories mean a lot to me, because I can always relate to them in some way.”

And my conversation with Abbey, age 14:

What has your mom taught you most about life?

“Regardless of what is happening, you are in control of yourself. Even if you can’t control what is happening to you, you can control your emotions on it.”

Why are you most proud of your mom?

“I am most proud that she never gives up. And she knows that if something is wrong then she needs to do something about it instead of dwell on it and let emotions take over.”

What does joy mean to you?

“Joy is seen through everything that is happening around me. I have to be the one that says, hey it is not always this way. You have to find a way through it, find a positive outlook.”

Why do you like softball so much?

“Softball is my way to escape the craziness of my life. Even if I am sad, I love being with my friends. The sport gets my mind off things. I know I can go and have a fun time and just be me.”

Anything else you want us to know about your mom?

“She is the strongest person I have ever known. She knows how to be with us and deal with her own problems and shelter us and protect us more than anything.”

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Conclusion

At the beginning of my conversation with Kristi, she admitted to me that she hadn’t looked at my blog yet because she wanted to answer with “raw honesty” without being influenced by anything. I appreciate that because raw honesty is one of my major intentions for this blog.

By Kristi being so real with us during this interview, we are able to connect with her and be inspired. Even if we haven’t been through cancer or divorce, her real words are relate-able to other struggles we may be experiencing. Thank you, Kristi, for sharing your strength.

Now, your turn to share! What have you learned from Kristi? Do you look at your life and think, I am not strong? Will you consider that you really are strong?! Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

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