Maria Wessman-Conroy Profile: Give Generously. Clear Your Brain Space. Have The Hard, Loving Conversations.

Meet Maria Wessman-Conroy, 31. Maria has a compassionate, accepting heart and a genuine desire to give. I am blessed to have her in my life as my sister-in-law, the wife of my youngest brother, Tyler. Maria’s the mother of Cecelia, who we call Cece, an almost two-year-old, and a kitty named Chance.

In this Real Women Real Strength profile, Maria talks to us about the great need to give to others, but how it’s just as important to give to ourselves. She explains that the more we experience in life, the better we can relate to others. And that as parents, we have a significant impact on the values our children uphold. Maria discusses the dire necessity to have the hard, authentic conversations that improve our lives, and the importance of planning in order to create space in your brain and life for presence with your family.

Quoted words are Maria’s, edited for context. Enjoy!

It’s wonderful to give to others, but we must also give to ourselves in order to be our best self.

“I’m a social worker. I enjoy giving, although sometimes that can be to my detriment. It’s something I love and also find challenging. But I am a giving and loving person and I try to use those gifts to make the world a better place.

I think I saw that a lot in my own mother. She’s a wonderful caregiver who sacrificed everything for her family. I admire her.

Sometimes I find myself constantly giving, but I have gotten better as I’ve gotten older. It now comes less out of need to people please and more out of an authentic desire to give.

In my job there are a lot of children in need. The problem is too much need can be overwhelming. To keep it in check when I am working with children, I look at one child and the moment before me and determine what the next good or right thing that I can do is. Even if for just this one child right now. I realize I can’t take all the need on myself, but I won’t make that an excuse to not be giving or loving.

I know that if I give all to my work, I will not be my best self to anybody. As a mother, I think this importance has been accentuated. I very much want to be present to my daughter and husband. I am still figuring it out. I don’t do it perfectly, but I know I don’t want to be empty when it’s time to be with my family.”

Our life experiences shape how we relate to others. They help us understand the difficulties all people face.

“This past year I moved back to Minnesota where I grew up and where everything started for me. I think it highlights the person that I have evolved into. I like who I was growing up, but now that I have lived other places, traveled the world, gone to college and grad school, I am proud of the person I have become.

The core of me is still there: kind, loving, aware, compassionate. I think I have more maturity and well-roundedness now. When I was younger my actions used to come out of wanting to please others and be liked (which, of course, we all like to be liked!). But I now feel more authentic.

I’m more aware of the real challenges people go through and how messy and complicated life is. Yet I still try to bring a hopeful positive attitude to the work I do. Despite it being really hard sometimes, I do believe in the goodness of people, even though some things are difficult to see.

The person that I am now, how I treat people, the way I approach the world, I am proud of that. I don’t do it perfectly all the time. I try to be someone who looks for positives and looks for justice and tries to understand the difficulties people face.”

Having hard, authentic conversations is necessary to have strong relationships and a good life.

“I am proud of my family. I am proud of being well educated. I am proud of the friends that I have and the relationships in my life. I am proud of my husband as we try to have a positive, strong relationship. When we catch ourselves slumping or not doing great, we have an authentic enough relationship where we can have some hard conversations. They are hard for a reason, and often times people shy away. But life doesn’t get any better unless you have those hard conversations.

I am someone that can’t ignore my feelings. If I am feeling an emotion it’s pretty obvious to me. If I slow down and allow myself to be vulnerable, I can tell when or where I am off. I know when I need to have one of those conversations. I literally cannot continue without doing it. I feel gross in my body if I don’t.

I do sweep minor things under the rug and would like to get better at that. I try to be real in a kind, loving way, to choose my battles and have the conversations I need to have.

If I sit in quiet I can notice what is challenging me and choose what I want to do with it.”

As a parent, you deeply impact the values your children uphold.

“I was blessed with a very loving, giving family. My mother was completely doting to her family and I observed her volunteering with her church and community often.

My dad is a lawyer and he became one because he wanted to help others. Recently, out of the goodness of his heart, he decided to donate one of his kidneys! He donated it anonymously to whoever needed it. He had to go through several psychological interviews because people almost never do that. This is another example of the selflessness I have learned from my parents.

I have had loving, generous examples as parents. I didn’t have any huge childhood adversity that can later impact how people perceive and interact with the world. It was sheltered in many ways, but stable and loving and peaceful.”

The most loving thing to do is sometimes not the easiest thing to do.

“Right now, one of my biggest challenges is trying to figure out how to be a blended family since my mother-in-law lives with us and helps watch my daughter while Tyler and I are working. We are trying to figure out how to have healthy boundaries, how to have our own time and memories, yet still include Tyler’s mom.

Cece is very attached to her grandma, and rightfully so as she spends all day every day with her. She tends to gravitate towards Grandma when we’re all together and sometimes I’ll think, “What the heck? I’m a really great mom. Why doesn’t she want to be with me?”

I know Cece loves me, but with the challenges I had breastfeeding her I think it brings more difficulty around this to the surface for me.

We have had hard conversations around it and are trying to put the right perspective on it and parameters in place on how to move forward with our living arrangement. It’s no one’s fault. We can’t place any blame. We are all continuing to navigate it and figure out what is the most loving and best thing to do and that is sometimes hard.

A guiding principal for me is what is the most loving thing sometimes is not the easiest thing to do. It’s ok to say, I need this. I need time alone with my husband and my daughter and that’s not selfish. That is the most loving thing sometimes.

We don’t know how everything will turn out. We don’t realize an action is a mistake until after it happens. So when it does, I am honest with myself and with others and say, “Hey, I didn’t know how hard it would be or what this would feel like.”

I give myself permission to say, I need to adjust something. This doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to continue feeling guilty or resent anything.

Life is too short to keep following the same ways and say life is never going to change. We can’t control it all, but we can do things in a loving way and be bold enough to make a change.”

A balanced life takes planning, ongoing conversation with your partner, and people you can lean on.

“When my balance is best I do yoga and take time to read. But if I’m really honest, it’s about identifying what easy things can I do to make my life easier tomorrow. I am a planner so I try to get as much out of the way and take breathers.

Planning helps me stay balanced. It’s not super sexy but it helps to clear my brain space so I can be present. I need to plan. I keep a calendar, sometimes a physical one, or notes on my phone, or my phone calendar. To get it out of my mental space and rest assured that I will be reminded of it later when I need to be.

I think that women tend to take on more than men in the home. In loving conversation Tyler and I try to adjust to equal balance as much as possible. I realize I do things that he doesn’t and he does things that I don’t. I try not to evaluate or compare so much. It’s an ongoing conversation we have.

I lean on others for support. I go to my mom and dad even if it’s just for verbal encouragement when things get tough or I need a little help.”

Being more present with your family means putting away your phone, maximizing work breaks, and prioritizing your time around your energy levels.

“I try not to use my phone when I’m with Cece unless it’s to take a picture. As a working mom with a commute I have limited hours in the day and I don’t want to be using my phone when with her. It’s a time suck for us. I enjoy looking at Facebook and reading blogs like yours when she is in bed but not when she is in front of me.

I use my breaks at work to get stuff down. I need my lunch break and I will take a walk sometimes, but I also make phone calls for appointments over lunch so don’t have to do it when get home. This way I can be present with my family at home.

Time management for me looks like getting things done right away when I have the energy to do it. I give most of my energy to my family and my job. I know I have most energy in the mornings and during the day, not after Cece goes to bed. I know my energy levels and prioritize around them.”

When we are real with one another, and drop judgment and comparison, we can build a community that supports each other.

“I appreciate what you are doing on this blog. The more real we can be with one another, especially as women, the better we will be. We can remove this idea from our heads that somebody else has things all figured out or that their lives are perfect.

Maybe they do have some things figured out, but as women we tend to compare and judge and have unhealthy thoughts that make us feel inadequate. Doing that does not make the world a better place for anybody, especially our children.

Getting rid of that idea is incredibly important. It’s important to admit when we make mistakes. And to build a community to support one another. We will all be better for it.”

[activecampaign form=5]