Navigating Team Dynamics After Personal Loss

I received this Ask-Me-Anything (AMA) message from a reader recently:

“What do you do when you are in need of empathy? My husband and I had a miscarriage recently and it is hard to talk about, especially with my team. I find myself getting frustrated when they are in a spat about something that seems minor compared to what I’m trying to work through. It is unfair to them for me to feel this way, but I can’t always separate myself from the feeling. How can I manage my emotions and be fair with my team?”

Here’s my response:

Dear Reader,

I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. You have experienced a great loss and it sounds like you are moving through the 5 stages of grief often abbreviated as DABDA:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

The stages of grief are nonlinear. Meaning you might feel depression (sadness) and then move back to denial (acting as if nothing happened). Eventually we end up mostly in acceptance, but the earlier stages can pop back up from time to time as the grieving process never fully ends – it becomes part of our life experience and wisdom. 

It sounds like part of what you are feeling with your coworkers might be anger, which is common during the grieving process. And it is ok for you to feel this way. 

If you look at this frustration or anger you are feeling, and ask yourself, “What message/data does this frustration have for me?” What answer do you get when you are quiet and turn inward? What answer pops up from the pit of your belly (your gut) or your heart center?

Another question for you: You mentioned that you need empathy from others. We don’t always get from others what we need from them, so we have to learn instead to give ourselves what we need. It helps, then, to turn the question into: How can I give empathy to myself?

What feels right to you to honor that beautiful being you lost? Maybe you plant a tree for your baby or release a butterfly or have a special holiday ornament made? For myself, I have found that creating some kind of ceremony or ritual – tiny or large – helped me through the grieving process rather than glossing over it trying to move on.

And finally, one of the mistakes my husband and I made when we had our first miscarriage was going our separate ways to “grieve” rather than coming together. I tried to handle it on my own (by overworking and being “strong” and acting like it was not a big deal) and my husband went about his own maladaptive coping behaviors. It’s one of the (many) things that put a wall between us, rather than a doorway to a stronger partnership. So step toward your husband, understanding that his grief will likely look a lot different from yours. Include him where you can and lean into each other. 

Wishing you so much love and healing. 
💜 Your Coach,
Sara

P.S. This reader’s message opened up a deeply personal and challenging topic that many others may be facing, and I appreciate the courage it took to share such an experience.

If you’ve got questions, stories, or experiences you’d like to share, I invite you to email me directly at sara@joydiscovered.com.

AMA 🟰 (ask me anything!) I look forward to hearing from you.