Soaking It All In

That time when my almost 4 year old doesn’t need me after bath time for the first time. He wants to play in his fort by himself.

Littlest one is sleeping.

I sit down, amazed I have a full hour to myself before we both go to bed (yes he goes to bed late – he doesn’t seem to need as much sleep). I stare at nothing, wondering how this could have happened already, how he doesn’t want to be by my side always anymore. I laugh that I dream about a little more time to myself, yet now that I have it, I am paralyzed with sadness, wondering where the years/days have gone.

I continue staring at nothing, remembering the memories, sad for this change, but accepting that it’s inevitable, knowing it will bring new experiences both wonderful and challenging in their unique ways.

And then he appears around the corner. “Mommy, I want to come sit by you,” he says.

I scoop him up, closer than usual, and we assume our regular nighttime positions. This time there’s more gratitude, more intention to soak it all in, more holding on – but knowing that one day I will have to let go.

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