That Time I Smoked Cigarettes Last Year…

Many times last year I felt uncomfortable within my life and had to make some tough decisions – all of which felt impossible to follow through with.

I had to choose between hurting myself or hurting others, and that was a hard reality to carry, especially as someone who was programmed to be a “good girl” and lives in a culture that applauds putting other’s needs ahead of our own.

I’m also a deeply feeling person – my fierce compassion makes me an incredible coach and teacher, but it makes it hard to separate responsibility for my own feelings from those of others. (Someone else’s feelings are theirs to process and gain wisdom from, not mine, even though I can be intentional about how I want other people to feel as a result of relating with me).

(^^This is, of course, a huge part of emotional intelligence. “They” always say you teach what you most need to learn!)

Those times that it felt like too much to handle, I grasped for a way to cope.

I worked out and meditated and journaled and saw my therapist… but I was still uncomfortable.

I have cut way back on alcohol over the years, but I tried drinking wine… which was a downer for me and numbed my feelings, even after just one glass. I knew I needed to feel each and every emotion that was coming up for me if I were to arrive at clarity.

I avoided ice cream and overworking and retail therapy and Tik Tok (I’m still not sure how to use that app!)… My EQ Pillar 2 Self-Management and discipline skills came in handy here.

Then one evening on the way to pick up my boys from school, I pulled into a gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

I snuck outside that night after putting the boys to bed and lit a cigarette. It brought me back to good college memories of sitting around my roommates’ kitchen table smoking cigarette after cigarette as we discussed boys and keg parties and the meaning of life.

I savored that cigarette and soon found myself escaping to the starry skies and sounds of the night crickets several times a week to sneak one in.

That escape, that distraction, that pause from the torments in my brain, made me feel better at first.

I was going through a very challenging time in my life and needed a vice to get me through, I justified.

But then I started getting a stomachache while smoking – it was so subtle that I almost missed it. Years of practicing yoga and meditation and learning to go INTO my body rather than check out of it and its messages served me.

What was happening is that the identity that I had crafted for myself of someone who is healthy and – for the most part – treats her body like a sacred vessel was being contradicted. This cognitive dissonance was causing my tummy to alert me to the misalignment.

To shift this habit that wasn’t serving me, I asked myself what I thought cigarettes provided me: A break, 5 minutes to stop all my doing and head-hurricaning, and relax. I asked myself how I could meet this need in a way that aligned with my healthy-person, treat-my-body-as-sacred identity I wanted.

So I began to take short walks at night instead. Me and the stars and crickets again… just no more cancer-causing smoke along for the ride.

I used the first two pillars of emotional intelligence (called self-awareness and self-management) to put this shift into place, which is why I share this story with you.

I’m also sharing this story to let you know I’m human. And you are too. We’re going to fall off course from time to time. We’re going to make decisions that don’t serve us. And when we do, the quicker we can use our EQ tools and re-align with who we want to be and how we want to show up in the world, the better we will feel and the truer success we’ll have.

When have you experienced cognitive dissonance? How were you able to right your course? Comment below and let me know. I LOVE hearing from you. 🥰

To your alignment,

Lots of love,

Your coach, 💜Sara