The Role Of Sex In Your Relationship & Spiritual Evolution

“You’re happier and nicer to me when we have sex,” I said to my husband this morning over coffee, a few minutes before we got our boys up for school.

“What?!” he asked, starting to get defensive.

“It’s not an accusation,” I replied neutrally. “It’s just an observation.”

His energy softened.

“Your love language is physical touch, then words of affirmation,” I said. “When there’s less sex going on between us, you and I are a little off.”

“Don’t you need sex, too?” he asked me.

“I like it,” I replied. “But it doesn’t make me feel loved since my love languages are acts of service and quality time. Plus,” I added, “I know that biologically men are wired differently than women and often have a higher sex drive. It’s just how it is and I honor that because I love you.”

He paused, almost puzzled, like there was a hidden agenda behind my comments. But there wasn’t.

“Ok,” I said. “We need to get our Thanksgiving plans ironed out before the boys get up…”

Mike and I have what I call a Harmony Huddle for ten minutes every Monday morning. During this marriage meeting, we acknowledge and appreciate each other, rate our relationship on a scale of 1 – 10, offer feedback on how the other could make us feel more loved and bump up our rating for the next week, then briefly remind ourselves of our love languages and if there are any acts we can do differently to “speak” our love to each other.

I noticed that the weeks when I had my period (so no hanky panky was happening in the bedroom), we usually rated our marriage around a 7 or 8. Most other weeks we rated it an 8 or 9. (This is yet another example of how measuring something leads to its improvement and management.)

“What should I do if sex and intimacy are off in my relationship?” clients often ask me.

As I answer most questions: We need to shine the light back on ourselves and get curious about what’s going on. There are so many factors that go into how much we enjoy sex or don’t, how confident and sexy we feel around our partner or not, how connected or aligned we are emotionally and physically or not, whether or not we have embraced our feminine power or if we are stuck in masculine energy. This is why I added an entire bonus module about embracing our sexuality to my Mindful Balanced Life online course and coaching program.

Embracing our sexuality is a next level of spiritual evolution. It’s also necessary for a happy marriage. (Anyone that tells you differently is not having sex regularly or was conditioned to believe that sex is dirty or bad.)

As with all beliefs we have, they were given to us by others, so we can choose not to keep them if they don’t serve us. My childhood religious and family experiences led me to believe that sex was dirty, that those who enjoyed it were bad, and that it’s sole purpose was to generate offspring.

I also started having sex in my mid-teens when I was feeling alone and craving connection. I thought it was a means to an end: sex for a relationship. Because of this, I learned pretty quickly to numb out during sex and let it be about the other person vs. what felt good to me. To get it over with so that I could experience the connection that I thought was on the other side.

In effect, I never fully embraced my femininity and carried out most of my life and work with a dominance in masculine energy. As with all things, we need balance. I needed to bring in more soft, intuitive, loving feminine energy to balance my strong, achieving, masculine way of doing things.

It’s been a journey. It still is. And I’m glad to be on it!

With love, your coach,

Sara

xoxo