Where Did My Communication Style Come From?!

In my family, being a “good” kid was rewarded. I learned quickly that good kids didn’t question authority – especially religion. Good kids were agreeable and pleasant and didn’t cause conflict. I was to be a good kid and go along with the status quo. My communication was to follow suit.

When I became a teenager and rebelled against having to be a good kid for so long, I voiced my opinions with aggression and volume. As soon as my brothers or mom stepped into the ring to take me on, I ran away – literally – into my bedroom or out to my car to leave the house. This was my teenage version of avoidance, which is a very common ailment in the workplace. During my keynote presentations and workshops, I share numerous studies that all point to the fact that most managers are not comfortable talking to those they lead and actively avoid conflict or tough conversations.

As an adult, passive aggressive communication with my husband became the norm. I’d put my sour face on, sulk a little, and make snide comments… until I reached my breaking point and exploded in a rage of hateful words and hurtful promises that I would later wish I could take back. But, of course, I couldn’t and the damage had already been done.

I also froze when difficult conversations presented themselves at work. In a team meeting, my managing director would question my approach to a project and instead of explaining my perspective, which would have been valuable to the conversation (and made me appear as competent as I really was), I’d freeze and wait in the painful silence for someone else to jump in.

With my good-kid mask on, I allowed things to go unsaid and questions to go unasked to people who were supposed to help me, like the doctor or flight attendant or store clerk. Any potential ruffling of feathers felt too uncomfortable to handle, so I always veered away.

💡🙇‍♀️ All of my communication patterns were learned.🙇‍♀️💡

We learn how to communicate by witnessing and then mimicking our parents and caregivers in our childhood. The earliest example of this can be seen in the communication between a mother and her infant. She smiles and makes big faces at her baby, and the baby smiles back, mimicking her facial expressions. How our parents discuss household responsibilities, argue, show love and affection, parent, address conflict, debate politics, and handle (or avoid) any other type of communication is modeled to us and absorbed by our brains that are grasping for data to make sense of the world. Our parents’ communication styles quickly become conditioned patterns in our minds that unconsciously impact the way we communicate at work and home.

Then we head out into the “real world” and work for different bosses – good ones, bad ones, and everything in between. Through repeated exposure we absorb the way our bosses manage and then, later in our careers, we take on their management strategies – even if we’d group that boss into the “bad boss” category.

This is why it’s so important to practice self-awareness and get curious as to where your communication patterns came from. Then decide whether or not they serve you and are aligned with the leader you want to be at work + home.

❕(This is also why it’s important that we model arguing and coming back together and reconciliation in front of our children rather than doing it secretly in the bedroom closet when the kids are asleep. Our kids must learn that conflict is normal, that other’s opinions and perspectives are valuable even if – especially if – they are different from our own, and that love and success take regular communication.)

Here’s to you deconstructing your communication patterns so you can consciously choose a more impactful approach.

Love,
💜 Your Coach
Sara

P.S. For a quick reminder of the importance of a healthy communication style, DOWNLOAD this image.