Why You Ignore That Important Feeling Inside You

A part of self-mastery and having the emotional intelligence that is necessary to effectively lead your team, family, and yourself is feeling your feelings.

Why is this so important?

Well, because our feelings are messengers. They are a communication vehicle to our inner terrain. They help us do more of what makes us feel good, avoid or establish boundaries around what doesn’t, and understand the relationships in our lives.

When We Ignore Our Feelings They Come Out Sideways

I’m sure you’ve found that when you don’t feel your feelings, when you stuff them down, numb them out, or pretend that they aren’t there, they end up coming out sideways in one way or another 6 days – or 6 years – later. And then you spend precious time and energy cleaning up whatever mess your sideways outburst created.

Instead, why not feel your feelings?

Because it’s easier said than done. We have grown up in a culture that doesn’t encourage the feeling of our feelings and instead encourages the escaping from or numbing of our feelings through food, substances, shopping, over-working, being “so busy,” or any other addiction you can think of.

When we were kids and were sad that we didn’t get invited to a birthday party, our caregiver said, “Oh, you’re sad? Here’s a cookie. This will make you feel better.” Or, “I’m so sorry Fido died. Here, let’s buy a toy from the toy store to make you feel better.”

The feelings we were taught were ok for us to feel or deny were often influenced by gender stereotypes. Little girls were told to look pretty, keep a smile on our face, and be compliant and pleasant. We weren’t allowed to be sad or disappointed, and definitely not angry. “Don’t get angry or people will think you’re a bitch and that will damage your career.”

Boys received a different kind of pressure as they were repeatedly told to, “Toughen up,” “Boys don’t cry,” and “Don’t be a sissy.”

And many of us, regardless of gender, heard things like, “You’re too much to handle right now; go to your room.” Or, “Calm down and keep your mouth shut. Kids are supposed to be seen, not heard.”

Most of our parents did not know how to feel their feelings, so when they witnessed us experiencing a big emotion as a child, it triggered their own insecurities. Instead of letting us know that it’s ok and safe to feel our feelings and that uncomfortable feelings don’t last forever; instead of helping us get through the big feeling together, they encouraged us to deny, hide, or numb the feeling in ways described earlier.

This is not about pointing a finger of blame at our parents and caregivers – they were doing the best they had with what they knew. It’s about us understanding what has impacted our emotional maturity, and choosing to do better with our own children now that we know better so that we can break the generational cycle of emotional abandonment.

The 90-Second Rule Of Emotions

Another reason we tend to deny or numb out the “bad” feelings is that we think the feeling is going to last for a long time and we don’t want to stay in that uncomfortableness forever.

But Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard-trained neuroscientist, found that physiologically most feelings only last for 90 seconds. She termed this the 90 Second Rule of Emotions and explained that our body wants to return to homeostasis, or balance. So, during an intense emotion, stress occurs, our cortisol spikes, and our body begins to work to bring us back to balance within 90 seconds.

A lot of us tend to feel intense feelings longer than 90 seconds because we start creating a story in our minds about what the feeling means, or we cling to it, holding on to it as if it’s our identity, or if we deny or repress it and it stays stuck in our psyche for a lot longer than the 90 seconds.

In what ways do you numb out, shove down, ignore, or grasp onto the feelings you are experiencing?

What were you taught about feelings from your culture and childhood?

Which feelings do you need to pay more attention to right now?

Next week, right here on the blog, I’ll share with you a 4-step process to feel your feelings and understand the messages they have for you. Stay tuned!

#HaveItAll

Your Coach,

Sara

P.S. My former client Anna shared this with me, “As an overachiever, I’d become really effective at suppressing my feelings. When unprocessed and unacknowledged, they would resurface unproductively in my life. One of the most significant shifts from working with Sara was to learn to acknowledge my feelings.”

By all external measures, Anna was already a high performer with a successful life before she came to work with me. But by addressing her feelings and journeying through the other key transformations of my coaching program, she was able to create greater productivity and balance as she built up a new demanding career while being a joyful, dedicated mother to her two young children and husband. If you’d like to explore how my Self-Mastery Method coaching can improve every area of your life, book a free no-obligation coaching consult with me HERE.